We Are Lucky We Are Both Orphans 

I HEARD a couple who have been in a happy marriage said this recently. They have been married for two decades and when they were asked the secret of their successful relationship, they observed that they did not allow outside influences to interfere in their union.
  Specifically, the woman said: “We are lucky that we are both orphans” 
  Now, this is commendable, that is, not allowing other people to meddle in their relationship.
  However, I think that it is wrong to blame parents-in-law totally when they are close by and when marriages fail. It is true that they meddle in their children’s lives when they should not interfere, but thanking your good fortune for removing them through death is unfeeling and selfish.
  This couple is not the only ones who want their in-laws out of their lives; many people would rejoice that their parents-in-law are out of their lives for good.
  But think what it would be like if your children were to grow up without knowing their grandparents and nobody to tell them their true origin.
  We may moan about mother-in-law and father-in-law, but they occupy important spaces in our relationships. And complain all you want, you cannot kick them out of your life without dumping their son-your spouse.
  And before you act self-righteous, bear this saying in mind that “the daughter-in-law becomes the mother-in-law ultimately” with all her faults. She will eventually harass or show love to her own daughter-in-law.
  Instead of celebrating that the death of your in-law gives you freedom to your spouse, make the most of their wisdom when they are still around. 
  They do not pray to outlive the children, who include you; all they ask are grandchildren and time to spend with them.
  They are critical, it is true, but you should not mind their tongues- your mother-in-law’s sharp tongue especially. But you can have a good relationship with her if you try.
  The modern mother-in-law has gone through the same experiences of non-acceptance, like you, and being more informed than the older generation should make her more considerate.
  Try to be her friend before you send her to an early grave by seeing her as mother-in-law, your ally.
  Some people paint the picture of absolute monsters of their mothers-in-law. Still a larger number have real love for their in-laws.
  You may start the relationship by believing that your parents-in-law would give you approval if you show them love. So, disabuse your mind that they are your enemies, because they would not give blessings for the union for a very long time.
  Do not view your marriage as a victory over them and use every opportunity to show them that you have their son now.
  Some mothers-in-law especially are notorious for being a stumbling block in their children’s marriages, saying their daughters-in-law are miserable.
  In a situation like this, therefore, she will never give you a peace of mind; she would not approve of whatever you do either. But you should not think of leaving because of her; it is not her home, although her son would not like you to disrespect his mother.
  So, study her behaviour to know how to get on well with her. It may not be easy, because her disapproval may be the result of issues, like Mama not accepting you because she sees you as one who has stolen her son from her.
  In her mother love, she sees only a rival; one who cannot even take care of her son, the baby she has nurtured so well, only for another woman to take him away.
  If her disapproval stems from this, it is not your fault. Another woman in your shoes would go through the same stress.
  Don’t give up; make friends instead. You have seen that her son is the centre of the universe for her; talk his talk with her, all the time.
  When you have had the mother of all arguments with her son, rush to her and in utter consternation, ask how she was able to handle him before he married. She will oblige you. After all, you imply that she has successfully raised a macho man. Ask her for recipes of his favourite dishes.
  Put yourself in her shoes; she had scrimped and saved to send him to school, hoping that he was there to take care of her forever, but he marries and she cannot even see him in months. So, his wife takes the blame.
  Men forget anniversaries, like birthday, and your son may forget his parents’ birthday, as he forgets yours, so remind him to get presents for them.
  They will know that his dutiful son’s actions come from you, the wife even though they refuse to acknowledge you.
  However, you may know that there is a limit you can please anybody. If after all the effort to win the approval of your in-laws, they are still unfriendly, leave them alone and concentrate on making your relationship happy.
  Limit the time you see them to when all the family comes together and continue to play the part that is expected of a good daughter-in-law, lovingly.